Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.
That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.
It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix