That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

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Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.


Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what


I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.


There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.


I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.


[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test


Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.


Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.