That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys


I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.


I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.


Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.


“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”


It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need


Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something


A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.


“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”


“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.