@DarzieDAMN

That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

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@ItsSamG

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

@mommajessiec

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@Turn2Dude

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

@TuSoonShakur

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@zachbdunn

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

@markleggett

A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.

@PhilJamesson

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

@ibid78

“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.