*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…