That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
You Might Also Like
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG