@TwoSapphiresBlu

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

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@redditships

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

@PinkCamoTO

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

@AGStr8upNinja

If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.

@Mom_Overboard

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

@Darlainky

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

@Underchilde

More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.

@VanGobot

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

@2Saddington

Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them

@InternetHippo

[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,