My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If I had the power to control people’s minds like Professor Xavier I’d probably just make them get me snacks.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
If you’re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,