That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Squirrels before girls.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Mhm.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.