that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Guy who likes music
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.