That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
You Might Also Like
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes