That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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Body by sandwich.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
one last job
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
this is the best interaction on twitter
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.