That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.