@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

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@jellybnbonanza

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

@jordanalexissss

sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.

@AimeeHelene1

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

@thepunningman

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

@newLettuce

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages

@Jake_Vig

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

@david8hughes

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets