Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Tough love is true love
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time