That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

You Might Also Like


After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.


sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.


Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.


(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now


I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.


*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.


Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages


DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.


Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets