After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.
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sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Cop: can you describe your attacker?
J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-