That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

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13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.


welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?


*steve leaves*


I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”


Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.


My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…