That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.