That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.