That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.


I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.


My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.


we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.


I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.


I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .


I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.


If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.


Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.


[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets