That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
2022 will be better than 2021
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.