That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

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Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot


[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”


[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*


On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.


GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting


I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.


Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.