Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.