That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.