That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
accurate
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.