That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish