Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
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“Space Jam…where do I even begin?”
-Neil deGrasse Tyson
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance]
“NO KID, WAIT-
[it starts raining buckets of pee]
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.