The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
what it’s like dating me:
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.