@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

You Might Also Like

@hunz74

My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.

@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

@Scdavis24

Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

@caliraingirl

I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.

@Jdxthompson

When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth

@4handfuls

Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.

@rmfnord

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

@girl_a_whirl

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything