
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too
I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.