@skedaddle74
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
@DanteEvilCat
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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@skedaddle74
@Lilybrees
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
@TheAndrewNadeau
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
@nerdreign
I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.
@lizetagge
Absence makes the heart want to fondle other people
@TheRolo
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
@BoomBoomBetty
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
@gojarbe
me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too
@FeelNutts
I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
@AbbyHasIssues
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.