@CantWaitToNap Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
@DanteEvilCat That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
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@CantWaitToNap 
@hunz74 My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
@fillthevacuum Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
@Scdavis24 Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
@SunniWestbrook OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
@caliraingirl I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.
@Jdxthompson When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth
@4handfuls Her: What are your passions?
Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.
Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.
@rmfnord “Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
@girl_a_whirl [Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything