That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.


I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes


HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.


I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.


[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?


[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.


me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too


I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more


Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.