@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

@mo_HoC7

I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭

@PeachesMcPeach

I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.

@thepunningman

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@GingerHotDish

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

@sozjalltheway

Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.

@JohnnyCrash5

If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.

@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@DanielRCarrillo

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion