@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

You Might Also Like

@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

@Lilybrees

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.

@TheRolo

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

@BoomBoomBetty

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

@gojarbe

me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too

@FeelNutts

I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.