That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

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My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.


Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.


Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.


I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.


When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth


Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.


“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On


[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything