“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”