so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I would like even faster food.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.