This is how I win fights too
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Him: do you like kids?
Me: no, I have 3.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.