@BourbonLuv

That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow…

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@JohnLyonTweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@juliussharpe

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

@ADHDeanASL

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

@CulturedRuffian

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

@azianqueenbee

You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.