That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

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There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met


date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA



me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday


If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.


Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?


*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.


Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.


ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not