That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
You Might Also Like
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Do one person every day that scares you.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
🙅🏻
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.