@Marcmywords2

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

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@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

@UncleDuke1969

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

@slimmy_shady

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

@jtrulez

Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*

@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

@BuckyIsotope

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

@Manda_like_wine

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@donttouchjames

me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back