@Marcmywords2

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

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@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@Mr_Kapowski

[driving car off a cliff]

Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars

@Dustinkcouch

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@BonaFideIntent

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

@rebrafsim

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift