That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.


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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.


“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.


Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!


Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*


[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”


“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.


Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.


kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend



me: which friend


me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back