@SarahR_82

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.

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@DBMaxP

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

@asherperlman

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

@SufficientCharm

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@meakoopa

JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*

@badbanana

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

@NotTodayEric

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

@boring_as_heck

[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit

@KylePlantEmoji

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT