Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels
[at the club]
Her: C’mon, lets dance!
Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT