Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.