WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“Out. Just get out.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.
I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey