@SarahR_82

That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

@Tharin_P

“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“…What?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”

@Vodkantots

I had no internet or cable last night and I was left with my thoughts.

I guess that’s why the pioneers usually died so young.

@AtticusFinch79

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

@david8hughes

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey