* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?