There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel