@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back

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@molly7anne

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@garrydavenport

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

@AsgardianRose

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

@AmishPornStar1

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

@AshleyFrankly

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

@WilliamAder

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@Shock_Monster

How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

@LostFelicia

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.