screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.