ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you