That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]