That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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Only a mother’s love …
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
me: why does my back hurt
also me: