I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books