That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*