That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Hamburger Hinderer.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)