i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.