@thatUPSdude

That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

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@AndyAsAdjective

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@goodhairperson

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

@WritePlay

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

@fightgeek

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.