That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Sounds like a bargain
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
back to work
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I’ve had relationships like this
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom