That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Every house has this drawer
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!