1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
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if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
Twitter is the world’s largest voluntary police lineup.
You say tomato, I say that’s a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you’re all “tomato.” You can leave.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?