That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles