That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.