That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose