That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Has there ever been a more American story?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
They got a point!
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.