@SufficientCharm

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

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@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@_JOSHEDWARDS_

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

@Browtweaten

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

@sixfootcandy

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

@TylerLinkin

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@lwhit_the_boss

The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet

@DestryBrod

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

@TheRealAnchovy

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.

@wildethingy

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.