That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he