Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
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My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.