That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You Might Also Like
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The photographer’s assistant
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.