@I_Disdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

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@meganamram

I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED

@wescraw

The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.

@bornmiserable

[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today

@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

@DianaH1314

Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you

@_NTFG_

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

@TasiaBass28

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

@ElizaBayne

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE