“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard