I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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The truth will set you free. Unless the truth is you committed murder. In which, the truth will get you 25 to life.
[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today
Watching a birth is beautiful.
Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.
Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week
1. No such thing
2. I hate you
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”
“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE