@WayneL_Jr

That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.

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@JoyceCarolTotes

Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
Me: *sweating*
BP: They aren’t even illegal

@Iwriteforcats

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.

@Darlainky

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

@jennfer46

Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute

@Shen_the_Bird

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”