wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Finally!
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.