That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.

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Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
Me: *sweating*
BP: They aren’t even illegal


The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.


Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.


Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?


Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?


Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute


[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator


Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”