that colleague who touches your screen
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it