[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Breaking news:
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder