*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..