@seamusmckracken

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

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@dril

if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.

@junejuly12

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

@Shock_Monster

Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.