That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?