That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

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if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war


Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!


My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.


Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store


Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.


Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.


I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.


The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.