That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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getting old is fun
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch