That de-escalated quickly
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Florida be like…
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.