that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet