I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
why am I working on Labor Day
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance